"Out"

[Eríca]

Hi all.

I thought we could have a conversation. I hope some other people would like
to do so too.

So, tell me, are you open about your lifestyle? Who knows, who doesn't know,
and why?

As for me, there's not much TO know really. I'm here in more of a...
considering capacity.

I live with someone who I tentatively describe as "my ex", but whom I love
with all my heart and sleep with most nights. Prior to being "my ex" he was
"my yummy lover". The "ex" part comes from him saying 3 months ago that he
no longer loves me... (sob)

I find it very difficult to talk about the situation with most people,
because... it's really hard to explain. So. He's "my ex", "sort of", and
"not much has changed really".

~Erica
(hoping to kick start some discussions)

[Eríca]

Post by Eríca
(hoping to kick start some discussions)

...and failing.

[Gina the Dormouse]

On Sun, 19 Oct 2003 00:58:21 +0100, "Eríca"

Post by Eríca

Post by Eríca
(hoping to kick start some discussions)

...and failing.

Hey, I was in London all day yesterday, give me a chance.

Gina

[Eríca]

Post by Gina the Dormouse
Hey, I was in London all day yesterday, give me a chance.

No! You should have KNOWN I was about to post here and gone to an internet
cafe in anticipation.

Seems my psychic link to complete strangers is beginning to rust...

~Erica
(Incidentally, the "dammit nobody's listening to me" message was also a
little less than serious)

[francis]

Post by Gina the Dormouse
Hey, I was in London all day yesterday, give me a chance.
Gina

Hi Gina .. You were in London on Saturday. I went there on Sunday. Small
world. Big city .. :)}

[Gina the Dormouse]

On Tue, 21 Oct 2003 20:34:34 +0100, francis

Post by francis
Hi Gina .. You were in London on Saturday. I went there on Sunday. Small
world. Big city .. :)}

Hello, long time no see and all that.

Depending on events in the next two weeks I may be out and about a bit
more soon.

Watch this space...

Gina

[Chris Croughton]

On Sun, 19 Oct 2003 00:58:21 +0100, Eríca

Post by Eríca

Post by Eríca
(hoping to kick start some discussions)

...and failing.

People do have Real Lives(tm), you know. This isn't an instant chat
channel, it's Usenet, people often take days or weeks before they
download and read stuff (especially in traditionally low-traffic
groups). And some people have things to do at weekends...

Chris C

[Eríca]

Post by Chris Croughton
People do have Real Lives(tm), you know. This isn't an instant chat
channel, it's Usenet, people often take days or weeks before they
download and read stuff (especially in traditionally low-traffic
groups). And some people have things to do at weekends...

Ewww, Real LifeT - gross.

I'm about to come over all hypocritical and be away for a week now. Ha!

Can I just be nosey and ask how you guys read newsgroups? Because it seems
my news server is purged every couple of days so I can't read everything if
I come back a week later.

~Erica

[Trin]

Post by Eríca
Ewww, Real LifeT - gross.

I dunno - I'm kinda enjoying the Real Life(tm) I seem to have
acquired... but then it does involve having a wonderful Hubby at home
(that's Spyder for them that're new here/missed the announcement in May
<g>), a rather fantastic Blokie at work, and Thug I see when travelling
around (sometimes). I've also just met S. on my uni. course - and while
I'm gonna be trying _very_ hard not to go all gushy over him, he is
kinda cute. <vbg>

Post by Eríca
I'm about to come over all hypocritical and be away for a
week now. Ha!

Hypocrite! :p

Post by Eríca
Can I just be nosey and ask how you guys read newsgroups?
Because it seems my news server is purged every couple of
days so I can't read everything if I come back a week
later.

Erm... newsreader I'm using is Gravity (available from:
http://lightning.prohosting.com/~tbates/gravity/ (can't seem to get
Microplanet's site to happen atm)), and I use news.cis.dfn.de (now known
as news.individual.net and available from: http://news.individual.net/ )
for the feed.

HTH.

[Spyder]

In article <***@news.cis.dfn.de>, Trin quietly
whispered...

Post by Trin
http://lightning.prohosting.com/~tbates/gravity/ (can't seem to get
Microplanet's site to happen atm))

That's cause Microplanet have collapsed, as far as I know
http://www.freebyte.com/internet_programs/#newsreaders has "Super
Gravity" which is a personal project of one of the original Gravity
designers

Post by Trin
, and I use news.cis.dfn.de (now known
as news.individual.net and available from: http://news.individual.net/ )
for the feed.

Ditto

[Chris Croughton]

On Sun, 19 Oct 2003 14:15:46 +0100, Eríca

Post by Eríca

Post by Chris Croughton
People do have Real Lives(tm), you know. This isn't an instant chat
channel, it's Usenet, people often take days or weeks before they
download and read stuff (especially in traditionally low-traffic
groups). And some people have things to do at weekends...

Ewww, Real LifeT - gross.
I'm about to come over all hypocritical and be away for a week now. Ha!

So you won't see this message! Ha! (Actually I'm Cc'ing it to you as
well.)

Post by Eríca
Can I just be nosey and ask how you guys read newsgroups? Because it seems
my news server is purged every couple of days so I can't read everything if
I come back a week later.

news.individual.net (formerly known as news.cis.dfn.de or fu-berlin.de).
It's free, carries all of the reasonable text groups (no binaries, no
free.* and only part of alt.* when people request it).

Chris C

[francis]

Post by Eríca
Can I just be nosey and ask how you guys read newsgroups? Because it
seems my news server is purged every couple of days so I can't read
everything if I come back a week later.

Depending on your software you may be able to change that to a number of
days you'd prefer .. :)}

[Dave Howe]

Post by Eríca
Can I just be nosey and ask how you guys read newsgroups? Because it
seems my news server is purged every couple of days so I can't read
everything if I come back a week later.

Technical solution would be to use an offline copy then - if you download
every couple of days, then you can read at your own pace - they won't go
away once you have a copy of your own. To do this, use an offline reader
like Agent, or an online one but use a caching program like Hamster

alternatively - try using News.Individual.NET (http://news.individual.net/
for
signup) its a free service, and has a fairly good retention time (No binary
groups, but this isn't a binary group :) - this is far by the easiest
option.

[Cerulean]

Post by Eríca
it
seems my news server is purged every couple of days so I can't read
everything if I come back a week later.

I guess Blueyonder have pointed news.blueyonder.co.uk at their binary news
server.[b]

Maybe pointing your newsreader at news-text.blueyonder.co.uk will help.[r]

Cerulean, footnotes R us.

[b]: Given that the domain of your message ID is
news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk

[r]: See http://www.blueyonder.co.uk/help/index.html#news
--
\ / |
\/"\/ | "I am sad that I'm fucking boys now, because I loved putting
( c ) | "lesbianism" in the "what birth control are you using" slot
/\_/\ | on the forms." -- Serene

[Zith(Gillian Howe)]

While slithering after a fast, jucy mouse, I was astonished to hear

Post by Chris Croughton
On Sun, 19 Oct 2003 00:58:21 +0100, Eríca

Post by Eríca

Post by Eríca
(hoping to kick start some discussions)

...and failing.

People do have Real Lives(tm), you know. This isn't an instant chat

arg theres such a thing as real life
eek where can i buy one :) hi All :)

[Spyder]

In article <Bskkb.1004$***@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk>, Eríca
quietly whispered...

Post by Eríca

Post by Eríca
(hoping to kick start some discussions)

...and failing.

Patience
Some of us have been elsewhere doing other things. It was only about 12
hours between your posts, and it was Saturday night as well.

Posts can get responses days/weeks/months/years after being posted

[Gina the Dormouse]

On Sat, 18 Oct 2003 14:47:40 +0100, "Eríca"

Post by Eríca
I find it very difficult to talk about the situation with most people,
because... it's really hard to explain. So. He's "my ex", "sort of", and
"not much has changed really".

We need a new term for 'person one is not technically involved with
but is still a friend that one sleeps with and/or has sex with to
everyone's satisfaction'.

I have one of those. She popped in to see me at a convention I was
attending and I really wanted a good way to introduce her to the other
attendees that would explain all the above in one easy word.

Gina

[Nev Young]

While lurking on usenet, I noticed that Gina the Dormouse had written,
some of, the following in uk.people.polyamorous

Post by Gina the Dormouse
On Sat, 18 Oct 2003 14:47:40 +0100, "Eríca"

Post by Eríca
I find it very difficult to talk about the situation with most people,
because... it's really hard to explain. So. He's "my ex", "sort of", and
"not much has changed really".

We need a new term for 'person one is not technically involved with
but is still a friend that one sleeps with and/or has sex with to
everyone's satisfaction'.

I used to use the term "shagpal" aka "fuckbuddy"
as in they're a pal and sometimes we shag but we're not in love or
anything like that.

It sort of follows on from my rule of there only being 3 good reasons
for having sex: love, lust and boredom.

Nev

[Eríca]

Post by Nev Young
It sort of follows on from my rule of there only being 3 good reasons
for having sex: love, lust and boredom.

Doesn't that just about cover everything?

*thinks*thinks*thinks*

Oh. Procreation. And a whole host of negative reasons (pity, obligation,
fear of rejection).

Whee. I hope I'm not talking about myself here. Who knows how things leak
out of my subconscious.

~Erica

[Chris Croughton]

On Sun, 19 Oct 2003 14:04:37 +0100, Eríca

Post by Eríca

Post by Nev Young
It sort of follows on from my rule of there only being 3 good reasons
for having sex: love, lust and boredom.

Doesn't that just about cover everything?
*thinks*thinks*thinks*
Oh. Procreation. And a whole host of negative reasons (pity, obligation,
fear of rejection).

Fear of upsetting someone else (the other's partner, for instance)? In
many cases that can inhibit even bringing up the subject, because if I
said "You know, I really fancy your wife" then even if I qulified it
with "but I wouldn't touch her unless it was OK with you" there would
always be that doubt (assuming he minded). And if I care about their
relationship (which, if I care about either of them then I do) that
would stop me wanting to even suggest it, unless they mentioned it
first.

Post by Eríca
Whee. I hope I'm not talking about myself here. Who knows how things leak
out of my subconscious.

Ew, a leaking subconscious. That'th deTHPICable! <g>

Chris C

[Trin]

Post by Chris Croughton
Fear of upsetting someone else (the other's partner, for
instance)? In many cases that can inhibit even bringing
up the subject

And if the person/people in question are just as
shy/quiet/reluctant/whatever, it leads to no-one getting anywhere 'cause
everyone's just too frightened to say anything. That way lies madness
and so now I _always_ investigate where I'm interested. :)

[Nev Young]

While lurking on usenet, I noticed that Eríca had written, some of, the
following in uk.people.polyamorous

Post by Eríca

Post by Nev Young
It sort of follows on from my rule of there only being 3 good reasons
for having sex: love, lust and boredom.

Doesn't that just about cover everything?
*thinks*thinks*thinks*
Oh. Procreation. And a whole host of negative reasons (pity, obligation,
fear of rejection).
Whee. I hope I'm not talking about myself here. Who knows how things leak
out of my subconscious.

Careful, I did say 3 *good* reasons. There's lots of bad ones, and I've
experienced (far too) many of them.

Nev

[Spyder]

In article <3wbkb.520$***@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk>, Eríca
quietly whispered...

Post by Eríca
So, tell me, are you open about your lifestyle? Who knows, who doesn't know,
and why?

Friends know. I've given bothering to keep workmates abreast, since as
soon as the mention of anything "away from the norm" crops up the eyes
glaze over and the conversation switches to "safe" subjects, like the
soaps

Post by Eríca
I live with someone who I tentatively describe as "my ex", but whom I love
with all my heart and sleep with most nights. Prior to being "my ex" he was
"my yummy lover". The "ex" part comes from him saying 3 months ago that he
no longer loves me... (sob)

"Yummy lover" I like that phrase

Post by Eríca
I find it very difficult to talk about the situation with most people,
because... it's really hard to explain. So. He's "my ex", "sort of", and
"not much has changed really".

It's awkward since the vast majority choose to ignore the fact that
this, and other "non-normal" relationships happen more often than they
give credit. The number of couples who break because "He/She loves
someone else", or are in relationships which can't be relationships
because it doesn't meet all the unspoken criteria of "dating"

[Eríca]

Post by Spyder
Friends know. I've given bothering to keep workmates abreast, since as
soon as the mention of anything "away from the norm" crops up the eyes
glaze over and the conversation switches to "safe" subjects, like the
soaps

Hmm, the people I work with are very good at reacting in disgust to things
that I had thought were pretty normal, and reading coercion or blatant
whoredom into everything which isn't even as flavourful as vanilla.

Post by Spyder
"Yummy lover" I like that phrase

Maybe he should be my Yummy Housemate of Sexing and Fun. Yeah. Although I
doubt my grandma or my boss would be much impressed by that title.

Post by Spyder
It's awkward since the vast majority choose to ignore the fact that
this, and other "non-normal" relationships happen more often than they
give credit. The number of couples who break because "He/She loves
someone else", or are in relationships which can't be relationships
because it doesn't meet all the unspoken criteria of "dating"

Yes. I don't think we should have split up at all - just redefined our
boundaries and freedoms. But at the time he was telling me he was "leaving",
I just nodded and said okay, sorry you feel like this, do you want to talk
more about it. Which he didn't.

I just need to find a way to suggest it. But because he's not a big fan of
talking about his feelings (never a good sign) and is pretty unsure about
everything anyway, I'm very cautious about broaching the subject. Every time
I make some cursory effort, we get distracted and end up talking about
something else. It's quite weird really - I think his deflection skills are
quite impressive.

When I try to talk to people about it, they either look at me in pity and
try to tell me he's using me (ugh) or that we're obviously going to "get
back together" some time soon.

~Erica
(who is getting REALLY good at turning all discussions round to herself.
She's not usually like this, honest.)

[Trin]

Post by Eríca
(who is getting REALLY good at turning all discussions
round to herself. She's not usually like this, honest.)

Don't stress about it - I think we probably all do it to some degree or
another, if only because we tend to relate to things better if we can
ascribe it to a part of our lives.

Just an observation like. :)

[Nev Young]

While lurking on usenet, I noticed that Eríca had written, some of, the
following in uk.people.polyamorous

Post by Eríca

Post by Spyder
"Yummy lover" I like that phrase

Maybe he should be my Yummy Housemate of Sexing and Fun. Yeah. Although I
doubt my grandma or my boss would be much impressed by that title.

You're shagging your gran and your boss?
Oh well, if it's good for you and them. :-)

Nev

[Eríca]

Post by Nev Young
You're shagging your gran and your boss?
Oh well, if it's good for you and them. :-)

:o

That's not *quite* what I meant!!

~Erica

[Trin]

Post by Eríca
So, tell me, are you open about your lifestyle?

<nods> Extremely.

Post by Eríca
Who knows, who doesn't know, and why?

Anyone who'll stand still long enough for me to bore, anyone who doesn't
stand still long enough for me to bore, because I'm a big gob.

Ok, they may not be _quite_ the answers you're after, but those on here
that have met me irl(and there's a few <g>)'ll tell you that th'bove is
pretty much an accurate summary of me and anything I live/belive in. :)

Post by Eríca
As for me, there's not much TO know really. I'm here in
more of a... considering capacity.

So what you're saying is that you're still living together and you're
still getting up to stuff? I'd probably use "friends with benefits" to
describe th'bove set-up (nicely) if it were myself. As for the no longer
loving you bit... **hugs** ...that sucks! :(

[Eríca]

Post by Trin
So what you're saying is that you're still living together and you're
still getting up to stuff? I'd probably use "friends with benefits" to
describe th'bove set-up (nicely) if it were myself. As for the no longer
loving you bit... **hugs** ...that sucks! :(

Friends+ as it were. Extra Strength :)

And as for the not loving thing... he occasionally admits that he DOES love
me, just in a different way. He normally says this just as he's falling
asleep so i can't press it (and to be honest, I don't want to press it in
case I don't like the pressed version...)

BUT I guess I should establish whether his "different way" just means....
inclusive. Cos I can live with that... Yeah, that would be nice :) An
inclusive, yet committed relationship. Mmhm. That's what I want.

*waves at Dylan* Yoo hoo, can you hear me?

For all that I wish things were more certain and defined, I kind of like
living in this place of hope and denial - this way I can think it's
POSSIBLE, even if it's actually a completely ridiculous and selfish idea.

~Erica
(and thanks for the hugs)

[Nev Young]

While lurking on usenet, I noticed that Eríca had written, some of, the
following in uk.people.polyamorous

Post by Eríca
Friends+ as it were. Extra Strength :)
And as for the not loving thing... he occasionally admits that he DOES love
me, just in a different way. He normally says this just as he's falling
asleep so i can't press it (and to be honest, I don't want to press it in
case I don't like the pressed version...)

It is said that dreamers never lie. When I was on honeymoon my snoring
kept my wife awake so she poked me with a finger to wake me / cause me
to roll over / just shut up. (I had told her to do this). Odd thing was
that each time she jabbed me I said "I love you".

Nev

[Chris Croughton]

On Sun, 19 Oct 2003 19:59:06 +0100, Trin

Post by Trin

Post by Eríca
So, tell me, are you open about your lifestyle?

<nods> Extremely.

Post by Eríca
Who knows, who doesn't know, and why?

Anyone who'll stand still long enough for me to bore, anyone who doesn't
stand still long enough for me to bore, because I'm a big gob.
Ok, they may not be _quite_ the answers you're after, but those on here
that have met me irl(and there's a few <g>)'ll tell you that th'bove is
pretty much an accurate summary of me and anything I live/belive in. :)

Yup, especially the "big gob" bit <g>.

/me hugs Trin

Post by Trin

Post by Eríca
As for me, there's not much TO know really. I'm here in
more of a... considering capacity.

So what you're saying is that you're still living together and you're
still getting up to stuff? I'd probably use "friends with benefits" to
describe th'bove set-up (nicely) if it were myself. As for the no longer
loving you bit... **hugs** ...that sucks! :(

Agreed <hugs to them as need 'em>.

Chris C

[Zith(Gillian Howe)]

While slithering after a fast, jucy mouse, I was astonished to hear

Post by Chris Croughton
On Sun, 19 Oct 2003 19:59:06 +0100, Trin

Post by Trin
Anyone who'll stand still long enough for me to bore, anyone who doesn't
stand still long enough for me to bore, because I'm a big gob.

oh cool someone like me I cant shut up either

Post by Chris Croughton

Post by Trin
loving you bit... **hugs** ...that sucks! :(

its a dran shame everyone need someone or some people

Post by Chris Croughton
Agreed <hugs to them as need 'em>.

whoohoo hugs yay
hugs from me to honi :)

Post by Chris Croughton
Chris C

[Trin]

Post by Chris Croughton

Post by Trin
Anyone who'll stand still long enough for me to bore,
anyone who doesn't stand still long enough for me to
bore, because I'm a big gob.
Ok, they may not be _quite_ the answers you're after,
but those on here that have met me irl(and there's a
few <g>)'ll tell you that th'bove is pretty much an
accurate summary of me and anything I live/belive in.
:)

Yup, especially the "big gob" bit <g>.

<g> See, knew there'd be someone to back me up in here.

Post by Chris Croughton
/me hugs Trin

/me huggles Chris

And at some stage dear, we're gonna _have_ to be in the same locality at
the same time! You too Gina!

:)

[Gina the Dormouse]

On Wed, 22 Oct 2003 09:07:37 +0100, Trin

Post by Trin
And at some stage dear, we're gonna _have_ to be in the same locality at
the same time! You too Gina!

Shall try, see my reply to Francis.

Gina

[Trin]

Post by Gina the Dormouse

Post by Trin
And at some stage dear, we're gonna _have_ to be in the
same locality at the same time! You too Gina!

Shall try, see my reply to Francis.

Yay! *bounce*