Advice please?

[jak]

Hi Everyone

I have always been monogamous in the past, but it has always bugged me, I
have always been more than tempted to be poly, but I have always had a
"battle of morals", etc about it. I don't really know what to do. I can't
think that I would ever find a girlfriend that would be into poly, so I
would then have to keep it secret from her, that has it's problems. I don't
know. What do you do?

Thanks

Jak

[Len]

I found it best to be true to yourself. I've been happily married for 18
years. We have experimented as a couple and I also have had several female
friends over the years, some sexual others not. As long as I am honest with
everyone involved, it seems to work for all parties.
Len

[Chris Croughton]

On Fri, 31 Oct 2003 18:48:57 -0000, jak

Post by jak
I have always been monogamous in the past, but it has always bugged me, I
have always been more than tempted to be poly, but I have always had a
"battle of morals", etc about it. I don't really know what to do. I can't
think that I would ever find a girlfriend that would be into poly,

Why not? Admittedly I know more poly groups with more men than women...

Post by jak
so I would then have to keep it secret from her, that has it's
problems. I don't know. What do you do?

In my opinion (and I am currently 'poly' only in that zero is a plural
number) if it's being kept secret then it's not 'poly', it's 'cheating'.
The criteria I would use is "would it hurt the person when they find
out?" (note 'when', not 'if', since it's odds-on that they will
eventually and it's best to plan that way). If so, then if you are
willing to risk that do you really love her?

And would you be looking to keep from the new girl that you already had
a girlfriend? Presumably, since you doubt that any girlfriend would be
"into poly". So that's two people from whom you are keeping secrets.
Not exactly a good model for a relationship.

Turn it round. If she found that she wanted an extra man, and kept it
secret, how would you feel when you found out?

In my opinion, if the other person in the current relationship doesn't
want to be poly, there are only two honorable choices -- stay mono with
them or leave. Cheating (and lying about relationships) is not only
dishonorable IMO but is also doomed to failure.

Chris C

[Trin]

Post by Chris Croughton
Admittedly I know more poly groups with more men than women...

Whereas afaics there's more females than males interested in poly (and I
realise that doesn't include weirdos like me that don't define as either
(unless I have to) but it's sooooo much simpler to define <g>). So my
question on this: are we just seeing it as Chris described above because
there's never enough of what we (person specific) are looking for?

[Chris Croughton]

On Mon, 3 Nov 2003 12:59:56 -0000, Trin

Post by Trin

Post by Chris Croughton
Admittedly I know more poly groups with more men than women...

Whereas afaics there's more females than males interested in poly (and I
realise that doesn't include weirdos like me that don't define as either
(unless I have to) but it's sooooo much simpler to define <g>). So my
question on this: are we just seeing it as Chris described above because
there's never enough of what we (person specific) are looking for?

Well, no, I'm going by ones I know personally. Not a very high number,
admittedly, but I noticed particularly because it surprised me (polygamy
has been acceptable in far more societies than polyandry, and most
people who hear about polyamo(u)ry tend to think in terms of a man with
several women).

None of the groups I know are interested in me anyway <g>. (No, not a
complaint, it's just that like the couples I would be interested in
joining they have found a balance with their existing group and aren't
interested in expanding.)

Chris C

[Eríca]

Hi Jak.

Polyamory entails honesty. Honesty to yourself regarding your desires and
insecurities, honesty to any partners, primary or otherwise, regarding your
other relationships. If you allow any of the people you become emotionally
and/or sexually involved with to believe that they are the "only one" you
are not being honest. Neglecting to mention it does not construe honesty.

I'm pretty sure that what you're describing is called cheating, not
polyamory.

Good look in finding what you're looking for, and I hope you can be honest
about it.

~Erica

[Trin]

Post by jak
I have always been monogamous in the past, but it has
always bugged me

In what way?

Post by jak
I have always been more than tempted to be poly

Glad you always knew poly existed 'cause I'd never heard of it until I
got to Usenet.

Post by jak
but I have always had a "battle of morals", etc about it.

Well even though I know I've always been poly (since I've known that the
word existed I've been and looked at my life and even at the age of 5 I
was poly bi <g>) I still get to do the "battle of morals"
occasionally... I think it comes with the territory (ie. growing up in a
culture that equates The Right Thing To Do with being monogamous.

Post by jak
I don't really know what to do.

Can't help you there dear, only you can decide what to do.

Post by jak
I can't think that I would ever find a girlfriend that
would be into poly

Why not?

Post by jak
so I would then have to keep it secret from her

Alternatively, you could educate any future girlfriends in the existence
of poly (plenty of good web-pages to aim them at,
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html is as good a start as any) and then
allow them to make up their own minds about it.

Post by jak
that has it's problems.

Yes - it's also hardly being caring, imo.

Post by jak
I don't know. What do you do?

I tell everyone I'm likely to even fancy that I'm in a relationship
*before* I get a tuit for telling them that I may fancy them. If they're
interested *and* I fancy them, then I explain more. If they're not
interested after hearing how my life is lived, then we don't get
together... simple really.