Jacob Bettany
2003-10-05 22:51:29 UTC
Are there any members on this list? I just joined but the list seems bereft
of messages, or I'm missing something anyway. Whatever, I hope all is well.
I'm supposed to offer a short introduction I think. I'm not too good at them
but here goes:
I feel like I'm sending a message in a bottle
Well, I'm a straight male, 29 and I live in Bristol. I've been thinking
about polyamory for a long time, almost the whole course of my 4 year
marriage which ended in January. If I'm honest, something in me was amazed
and fascinated when I stumbled upon alt.polyamory. Simply the idea that
there could be a whole community (an ethos) which I hadn't ever
encountered - or even imagined - made quite an impact on me. But there was
more to it because reading the faqs resonated in some way, as if I'd found a
word I had been looking for for a long time.
I thought that the theory was all very well. I thought that probably I
wasn't psychologically suited to it, that I was too jealous, unstable,
damaged or otherwise inclined to delerious episodes. I thought for a while
that perhaps it would just be too difficult, socially I mean, to adapt. I
thought there probably weren't that many poly people around and that those
there were I wouldn't be attractive (or attracted) to. I thought that
perhaps that didn't matter, that I could just treat it like a worldview,
simply integrate it into mine. I thought that I would wait.
I kind of brought the subject up with my friends. Here's something
interesting, alternative models for relationships. I've had various
responses ranging from wide-eyed horror to a kind of sympathetic
dissapproval, some curiosity perhaps but not much more. It wasn't very
encouraging anyway and the fact that I was treating it rather like an
intellectual exercise probably didn't help.
As it was, fascination gave way to a long pondering and time passed.
My marriage ended and suddenly I was free again. I don't mean that to sound
quite so clinical or harsh but in simple terms it was true. Never mind all
the anguish and infidelity, that's another story.
Freedom brought with it with a real sense of possibility. I could go to my
favourite bars and seriously consider whether I wanted person x or person y
to be a friend. I could choose what to do with my time, who I wanted to
spend it with. And of course there were relationships. I knew I was (am)
still recovering from my marriage, and I knew that probably the best thing
for me to do was give myself a break, but I felt as though I'd been thrown
from a catapult (thrown myself) and I was quite caught out by my own
momentum. I've been incredibly interested in relationships. All sorts of
relationships, new ones, old ones, friendships, rivalrys, politics and
people. It's been really remarkable now I think of it but I'm coming to a
bit of a junction really, I need to make some decisons.
It was strange to begin with, coming out of a marriage, I felt relatively
unsophisticated when it came to relationships, uneasy with myself and with
expectations. Because I'd been a primary carer before, the thought of anyone
relying on me has been quite terrifying and that's impacted a lot on the way
that I've been I think. I've certainly been promiscuous but determined that
I would be as honest as I could be with my partners. I've been honest, to a
degree I didn't think I could be. I've been involved in multiple
relationships but not to the point where I've been able to be honest with
each of my individual partners about the others. It's been incredibly
frustrating in a lot of ways because I'm still fighting with myself of
course, it would be so easy to just call myself a bastard and be done with
it, but it's not that really. I found the quote yesterday at
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/ptheory.html#reasons
"My primary focus is on connecting with people, not on satisfying various
needs of mine (other than the need to connect with people). Polyamory gives
me more ways of connecting to people and that's why it's right for me."
I care about my partners but because of that, I can't bear the idea of
hurting them with my inability to commit - or whatever it is. I end the
relationships because I'm afraid the fact I feel so complicated about it all
isn't what they want.
What do I want?
I want the connections. I want to find a true love, a primary who
understands me, who I understand. I want to have children. I want to feel
that I'm being honest. I want to the people I'm with to understand me. I
want to see the world in an open way, not through the windows of this
relationship or that relationship.
So I'm thinking I need to connect with people who might feel similarly. I'm
thinking of being open with one of my recent partners to try to place myself
in a poly-context with her (is that like 'coming out'?) and of course, I'm
terribly afraid of the reactions I will get from people if I try and explain
all this. In a way it solves questions if you can say, I'm this way and a
person reacts against you so strongly, you know that relationship's not
right. But what if none of them are right?
So anyway, I am sending a message in a bottle.
Best wishes
J.
of messages, or I'm missing something anyway. Whatever, I hope all is well.
I'm supposed to offer a short introduction I think. I'm not too good at them
but here goes:
I feel like I'm sending a message in a bottle
Well, I'm a straight male, 29 and I live in Bristol. I've been thinking
about polyamory for a long time, almost the whole course of my 4 year
marriage which ended in January. If I'm honest, something in me was amazed
and fascinated when I stumbled upon alt.polyamory. Simply the idea that
there could be a whole community (an ethos) which I hadn't ever
encountered - or even imagined - made quite an impact on me. But there was
more to it because reading the faqs resonated in some way, as if I'd found a
word I had been looking for for a long time.
I thought that the theory was all very well. I thought that probably I
wasn't psychologically suited to it, that I was too jealous, unstable,
damaged or otherwise inclined to delerious episodes. I thought for a while
that perhaps it would just be too difficult, socially I mean, to adapt. I
thought there probably weren't that many poly people around and that those
there were I wouldn't be attractive (or attracted) to. I thought that
perhaps that didn't matter, that I could just treat it like a worldview,
simply integrate it into mine. I thought that I would wait.
I kind of brought the subject up with my friends. Here's something
interesting, alternative models for relationships. I've had various
responses ranging from wide-eyed horror to a kind of sympathetic
dissapproval, some curiosity perhaps but not much more. It wasn't very
encouraging anyway and the fact that I was treating it rather like an
intellectual exercise probably didn't help.
As it was, fascination gave way to a long pondering and time passed.
My marriage ended and suddenly I was free again. I don't mean that to sound
quite so clinical or harsh but in simple terms it was true. Never mind all
the anguish and infidelity, that's another story.
Freedom brought with it with a real sense of possibility. I could go to my
favourite bars and seriously consider whether I wanted person x or person y
to be a friend. I could choose what to do with my time, who I wanted to
spend it with. And of course there were relationships. I knew I was (am)
still recovering from my marriage, and I knew that probably the best thing
for me to do was give myself a break, but I felt as though I'd been thrown
from a catapult (thrown myself) and I was quite caught out by my own
momentum. I've been incredibly interested in relationships. All sorts of
relationships, new ones, old ones, friendships, rivalrys, politics and
people. It's been really remarkable now I think of it but I'm coming to a
bit of a junction really, I need to make some decisons.
It was strange to begin with, coming out of a marriage, I felt relatively
unsophisticated when it came to relationships, uneasy with myself and with
expectations. Because I'd been a primary carer before, the thought of anyone
relying on me has been quite terrifying and that's impacted a lot on the way
that I've been I think. I've certainly been promiscuous but determined that
I would be as honest as I could be with my partners. I've been honest, to a
degree I didn't think I could be. I've been involved in multiple
relationships but not to the point where I've been able to be honest with
each of my individual partners about the others. It's been incredibly
frustrating in a lot of ways because I'm still fighting with myself of
course, it would be so easy to just call myself a bastard and be done with
it, but it's not that really. I found the quote yesterday at
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/ptheory.html#reasons
"My primary focus is on connecting with people, not on satisfying various
needs of mine (other than the need to connect with people). Polyamory gives
me more ways of connecting to people and that's why it's right for me."
I care about my partners but because of that, I can't bear the idea of
hurting them with my inability to commit - or whatever it is. I end the
relationships because I'm afraid the fact I feel so complicated about it all
isn't what they want.
What do I want?
I want the connections. I want to find a true love, a primary who
understands me, who I understand. I want to have children. I want to feel
that I'm being honest. I want to the people I'm with to understand me. I
want to see the world in an open way, not through the windows of this
relationship or that relationship.
So I'm thinking I need to connect with people who might feel similarly. I'm
thinking of being open with one of my recent partners to try to place myself
in a poly-context with her (is that like 'coming out'?) and of course, I'm
terribly afraid of the reactions I will get from people if I try and explain
all this. In a way it solves questions if you can say, I'm this way and a
person reacts against you so strongly, you know that relationship's not
right. But what if none of them are right?
So anyway, I am sending a message in a bottle.
Best wishes
J.