Your opinions please

[robbo]

After looking around at the web and at this newgroup my wife and I
agree that she is polyamorous. She has had a few partners over the
last few years and really does feel that she needs to give and receive
the extra love, affection and (sometimes) sex from these other people.

However, even though we are honest and open with each other she has
never told any of her other partners that we have an honest and open
relationship and that I know what's going on. She's worried it would
scare them off and I think she may have a good point.

So, she's honest with me but not with other people. She's not cheating
on me but she sort of is with her other partners.

Is this still polyamorous or not? Is this more akin to swinging?

Thanks

Rob

[Chris Croughton]

On 29 Nov 2003 09:40:47 -0800, robbo

Post by robbo
However, even though we are honest and open with each other she has
never told any of her other partners that we have an honest and open
relationship and that I know what's going on. She's worried it would
scare them off and I think she may have a good point.

Does she tell them that she has a partner at all? The way you phrase it
seems to me as though they know she has a partner but not that you are
'open', which I would think would put them off even more (unless /they/
are interested only in cheating on someone).

(There was a pop or C/W song that went "Little does she know that I know
that she knows that I know...")

Post by robbo
So, she's honest with me but not with other people. She's not cheating
on me but she sort of is with her other partners.
Is this still polyamorous or not? Is this more akin to swinging?

I don't think it's a clear-cut distinction. Certainly there are some
'swingers' whose activities are polyamorous (love, not just sex, and
between multiple partners who know and approve of each other). And from
how you describe her feelings about the others I'd say that she is
polyamorous, but not quite trusting enough that they'd accept it. It's
not something I'd be comfortable with because it seems to me that if the
other partners don't know about you (or each other) they could each be
believing that they are the 'only' partner and so get jealous when they
find out the truth.

In summary, whether she 'is' poly is not in question (in my opinion),
it's whether she is being fair to the others. Which is for you and her
to work out...

Chris C

[Dave Howe]

Post by robbo
So, she's honest with me but not with other people. She's not cheating
on me but she sort of is with her other partners.
Is this still polyamorous or not? Is this more akin to swinging?

Ouch - That one has a thorn in it.

If the other partners thought/think she was single then yes - she is not
being honest with them, so is "cheating" on them with you.

If the other partners know she isn't single, but are convinced that she is
"cheating" on you - then it is a borderline/difficult case. It is still
polly - lots of polly relationships exist where the primary and secondary(s)
don't feel the need to be "best buddies" just because they share the/a love
of a particular MOTAS. The real distinction (in my mind at least) between
polly and swinging is the same as that between having a girlfriend and
picking someone up in a bar - If the sex is part of (but secondary) to the
relationship, then it is polly, if it is really about the sex and nothing
else, then it is swinging.

The problem is how much about the other relationships in a polly setup each
partner feels he/she should know - obviously, each relationship is part of a
fairly complex emotional web, but the fine details only really effect the
two parties in each "link" - many polly couples are comfortable at the level
of knowing vaguely who and a bit (lot) less vaguely about things like
condoms and dates (which do effect them directly, at least potentially). If
the other partner assumes that she is cheating on you (but doesn't ask, so
they don't discuss it) then it is a lie of omission - which is a lot less
damning than a direct lie, if still not exactly the openness a polly
relationship usually needs to work.